Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

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While all the papers seem to be screaming this week about how upset the Russians are over the new Indiana Jones film – Sergei Malinkovich, head of St. Petersburg Communist Party was rather unnecessarily quoted as saying: “It’s rubbish… In 1957 the communists did not run with crystal skulls throughout the US.” - I emerged from the cinema wondering if everybody else had suddenly woken up unable to read film. Like the episode of Buffy, where they have a spell cast that means they can’t see demons, but this time it’s underlying context they have become blind to.

Again, don’t read on if you want to be surprised, but basically the crux of the film is that Indiana Jones has to find, and return a crystal skull to the temple of an ancient civilization before the Russians do. If the Russians get there first they will be able to control the minds of everyone in the world, turning them all into dirty, nasty Commies – more “Reds under the skin” than under the bed.

Now, here comes the big twisty bit, and it is an unusual turn for Indy, but one which he just about manages to pull off. The crystal skulls weren’t MADE by the ancient civilization, they are actually skulls of alien beings who came to Earth 5,000 years ago and built an advanced city in the Amazon jungle. The one he has to keep from the Russians was stolen by an explorer 500 years before, and is one of thirteen altogether. When he returns the skull to it’s crystal skeleton (and why do these aliens have human skeletons, exactly?), the hybrid mind of the thirteen is completed, they join back up and fly their space ship back to where ever. First though, they make Cate Blanchetts bad KGB agents (in American movies, is there any other kind?) head catch fire and then explode after she asks them to fill it with all their knowledge.  

Having watched ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ recently too, I cannot help but feel the climactic scene in ‘Crystal Skull’ is actually quite similar. In ‘Raiders’, the Nazi’s open the Ark of the Covenant, which is reputed to contain the original tablets the Ten Commandments were written on, seeking all the power within it, to take back to their master, Hitler. When the box is first opened, they are delighted by the sight of the spirits emerging from it – until the spirits turn nasty, making grumpy faces just incase the incinerating people didn’t tip us off. Cue exploding Nazi eyes and exploding Nazi heads, and eventually just exploding Nazis. Indy and his gal pal, Marion, who he warned not to open her eyes while the box was open, escape unharmed. In ‘Crystal Skull’ – Blanchetts KGB agent is determined to discover the secrets of the aliens to take back to Krushchev, and stays within the chamber after Indy and his gal pal Marion (and their son. And John Hurt in a poncho) decide it’s high time to get the rock out of there. “I vont to knooooow” she insists, very much in the style of a woman who once desired nothing more than a minty-chocolatey biscuit. At first she is delighted by all the knowledge she has gathered to take back to her Commie pals. But very soon it all becomes too much – “Nooooooooooo” she wails, pleading with the alien to stop. Newly formed mega-alien then does it’s own grumpy face, a rather spot-on impression of Derek Zoolanders “Magnum.” Cue firey Commie-eyes, firey Commie-head, and eventually just firey Commie.

Now, is it just me, or is this all a bit Scientologist? What points me towards the teachings of old father Hubbard, other than the hyper-intelligent aliens coming to Earth in the past and having a bit of a fanny about (to paraphrase L. Ron Hubbard) is that while in previous films, Indiana Jones dealt with the existence and wrath of God (‘Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade’ involved his search for the cup used by Jesus at the Last Supper, again before the Nazis could get to it), in this case we humans are subject to the wrath and power of alien beings.

Or maybe the current growth of Scientology and Indy’s new supreme being are merely two different things resulting from a more general change in most people’s belief systems? Maybe in older films we are willing to accept God and his existence as a given because when those films were made it was a given for most people, but now we’re looking more to science and science-fiction for answers?

Anyway, now that I’ve got that off my chest – what about the film itself? Well, as a friend of mine who’d already watched it (twice) said to me before I went – “Just remember: it’s an Indiana Jones film.” And fans of the series will be glad to hear that that is indeed what it is. All the regular, and necessary aspects are there – Indy at the university, Indy escaping seemingly inescapable situations, Indy hating snakes, Indy looking through gloomy tombs covered in spider webs and filled with creepy crawlies.

Also worth mentioning is the appearance of Neil Flynn, who plays the Janitor in Scrubs, as an CIA agent who quizzes Indy on his possible Soviet connections. It’s only when seeing him outside of Scrubs that you realise how hopelessly typecast Flynn has become. The entire time he is on screen you cannot help but feel that he is not an CIA agent, but that in fact he is just the Janitor pretending to be an CIA agent. You almost expect there to be an extra scene in the interrogation room after everyone else has left where he opens up a wardrobe to reveal a gagged and bound Zach Braff, while chuckling to himself about how easy the so-called Central “Intelligence” Agency are to fool.

As twenty years have passed, some things in Indy’s world have had to update, so as well as Communists replacing Nazis, we also have Indy ingeniously survivng an atomic blast.  The power of the atomic bomb is another factor which hangs heavily over the film, and an anti-nuclear message is another reading of it’s climax (the knowledge that once known, cannot be taken back, and can destroy you, and everything you know, completely in seconds).

All in all, old-time fans and younger converts alike should enjoy this, at times relentless, action movie. And a massive visual clue at the end of the movie clubs us over the head with, rather than just suggesting the notion, that despite having a capable heir to his battered fedora, Indy may not be hanging it up quite yet.

Am I reading too much into Indy? Tell me what you thought…

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Tags: aliens, Ark of the Covenant, atomic bomb, Buffy, Cate Blanchett, CIA, Derek Zoolander, Hitler, Indiana Jones, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Janitor, Jesus, John Hurt, KGB, Krushchev, L. Ron Hubbard, Last Supper, Marion, Nazi, Neil Flynn, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Scientologist, Scrubs, Sergei Malinkovich, Soviet, St. Petersburg Communist Party, Ten Commandments, Zach Braff